I woke up at 5 a.m. Made one cup of black tea, because on these days I have drunk so much coffee that my body creates conflicts only seeing black beans. I tried to read a book ‘ The Art of War’ written by Sun Tzu, but after one page I got it is impossible. My mind is going out from written lines and the only thing I can do is to imitate reading. Why should I do it?
Listening music I tried to do not think about a job, where I should be soon. Cycling one hour and I am there. To work in another city is not easy, especially when you do not have money to pay for the train ticket every day.
It was not a busy day. Every time going to work I pray that it would be a calm day and today someone has heard my request. But maybe it would be better if it was a busy as always, because I had too much time for thinking. Making coffee, mint tea and beer I was thinking about people around me. They all have friends, they look happy, they are waiting for Valentine’s day, they have plans… While every day I am dying… Slowly… Softly. And seeing me people think they can help. They can change me. But no one knows that my best friend is a demon sitting inside me. You are afraid of your depression, bad mood and conflicts. For me it is the reason to go to Lidl to buy a fucking cactus, what I did after my job. But I had one problem – I could not find a simple cactus, because for Valentine’s day people are used to buy only beautiful flowers that will die soon and chocolate, which will be eaten. But not fucking cactus, because talking about love it is stupid to mention a word ‘forever‘.
Drinking red wine and thinking about what is wrong with me I decided to do a volunteering this summer. Africa or India? I love animals and would like to save them from our humanity. Ahah. Are you sure you can do it? You even can not save yourself.
But I do not ask for a help…
Then why are you crying now?..
… Because when someone killed your pride you should do the same…
If someone asked me do I wanna live forever, I would say No. Eternity is going to kill me. At first I would get bored. My short life term lets me have goals and time for that. Eternity means not having time and my dreams would become a routine. Finally I could not handle it, since no one can stay with me. I can not love. I can not give to others, what do they want from me. I do not know, how to be a friend, a lover, a daughter. I prefer to stay alone. Because I am feeling comfortable only being alone. But I do not feel loneliness. If to take a look from this side, I would get crazy and my ambitions to change this dirty humanity would grow day after day. Year after year. And trying to change something I would kill a human inside me. If I have eternity, why do I have to worry about stupid things as studying and to get a stability job? To create a family? To build a house? I do not need it even now.
Who would I become having so much time? Having life without time?
I would get crazy.
I am already crazy.
To be immortal means to kill God.
God is already killed.
I have more time, than I need, because I am not afraid to die.
Yes, something is wrong with me…
… But every night I am dreaming Death and ask, when she is going to take me with her… Normal people do not want to have a meeting with her…
Kinda weird question. Most of people even have not seen death, but does it mean they are not killers?
Do not be naive. That beautiful smiles and nice words are only a cover. You are dead at the same time as your mind thinks ‘ I can trust’. And no, I am not saying to do not believe in people. Everything I want to say is to control your own mind and after the trust to do not forget that you trust someone, who is the same person as you are. How many times have you lied?
But people can ask me, why do I call them killers, right? It is simple. And I am sure they do not need an explanation. But let me ask, to kill someone’s childhood, dream, motivation, happiness, faith, tenacity… is enough for being a killer? And I do not mean simple bullying in the school. Children are stupid and they do not know how to take responsibility of their actions. Child abuse, society, what closes eyes to this, always angry teachers and professors, father, who says to his daughter that her future is to become a stripper, mother, who ignores her child dream to become a designer and more people, who can take responsibility, but deliberately destroying others. Their souls become dirty. We are all dirty. And you can read the Bible, but you always will be a killer. We are all sinners.
I have seen this line on instagram and, to be honestly, I am a little scared… Does it not depend on who you consider to be God? Fuck… Considered… What is wrong with endings?
… Please, say, that it depends…
It happens again. You are thinking about what is important to you and call your reasoning bullshit. You write about your killing avarice and delete this line. You say this time you are going to live and buy a new pack of cigarettes.
How long have you started turning to yourself in the second person?
I allow myself to knowingly be wrong, but it is fine, since I can be calm in the mistake. Perfectionist is killed by mistakes.
When people ask me, what have I done, I say ‘ nothing’. And I believe to my own words. But to be honestly, I have read a book ‘ The Daily Stoic.’ I have seen intriguing and colorful stories outside my consciousness. I have created simple and sensual ideas.
Listening other people I have learned to say, what do they want to hear and to be silent about what does not interest them. ‘ Nothing’ is everything, what they really want to know.