Am I Bipolar?

Hi again, my dear friend,

I hope you are doing well, what I could not say about myself. Do not worry, everything is okay, except one thing… Yesterday I visited a doctor and… I have known I have Bipolar Disorder.

It is nothing, because I am used to be freak, weird and etc… But to know that I will never become like a normal human does not make me happy…

I just want to be happy.

With love,

Yours Rya

Milan. Or where did I leave my rose-colored glasses?

Hello, my dear friend,

I do not know, what is your reason for being here, but I want to say thank you, because you let me show my world. To share it…

But… Forget about my annoying introduction. In my first post I have written about my dream to visit Italy. Now I will answer, why…

I am from Lithuania. Here people are enough rough, angry, closed… Cruel and intolerant. Maybe someone could say, do not be so negative, your fantasies are too big, look around you, people are amazing… And yes, I believed to this fucking shit, which I have heard from my family, teachers, psychologists… But not friends… I did not have friends. Do you want to know, why? Because I am ginger. And in the school to have hair like mine is the worst thing, which could happen to child… Everyone… They mocked me and said, I am too ugly. Funny, right? You cannot be yourself and it is normal… I changed many schools and places… Everywhere is the same. Even in the university the girls from my course called me strange, ginger, freak, idiot. I only wanted to be accepted into society… But I am used. The life learned to get rid of emotions and I just was waiting for time, when I will get an opportunity to leave Lithuania, to leave people there, to forget my past and finally to get the future. After all my depression, loneliness, discrimination, sleepless nights in the library and doubts I though, I will be happy studying in Italy, where people are more open, tolerant, used to communicate with foreign students… But my stereotypes killed my dream… My dream about sunny place with amazing people… My pink glasses covered not only my eyes…

In August of 2018 years I had my first trip to Italy. I arrived to Milan Malpensa airport and after long day decided to stay there for one night in one cheap hostel.

Yes, you can find cheap place for one night in Milan, if you make booking in website I have payed 20 euros for one room with terrace and another 2 girls. I do not remember, how many rooms were there – 3 or 4, but I remember two toilets and bathrooms and one big kitchen. It was a hostel, so, do not expect something wow. But with absolute conscience I could say, that hostel was only thing I liked in Milan.

Let see the view from my side. If you are a foreign tourist, do not worry. You do not need to know Italian language for communication with local people… Most of them even are not Italians. During my travel I have met Russian woman, which had a problem with city’s map, many Chinese, Spanish, Americans and emigrants (with them is another story). But… Could you believe? In Milan I have not heard someone talking in italian language? Even in the shops and hostel…

But maybe it is not so big problem. Maybe even it is not a problem. But let me tell, what does it mean to be a white and ginger girl there.

First of all, nobody looks at you serious. You are one more white girl, who came to find a boyfriend. You are a bitch, who wants to steal poor Italian guy. Who wants to get rich, to eat in the famous restaurants and bla bla bla… Yes, you are just a bitch and Italians are so amazing, so beautiful, so perfect, that because of them you left your country and arrived there to find l‘amore. They are nationalists. For them it does not matter, why are you here, who you are or something more than, you have never tried pasta? How is it possible? It is terrible… But not as that thing with emigrants, when they try to fall in love with every white girl, who has an European passport.

To be honest, I am very polite and tolerant person. For me it has never been important, which color is your skin, eyes, hair. How tall you are or what is your weight. All my life I am jealous to people, who have black hair and brown eyes…

My dear friend, if you are still reading this, do not forget, you are amazing. You are only one in the world. I will not find another person as you. Your friends too… Like your family and teachers…

But discrimination exists… I felt it in my country and I thought it cannot be worse, but I was wrong… In Milan are many emigrants. Many streets, where it is danger to walk for a white girl like me. Because for black people you are one more stupid white girl… But, human, the world has to wake up and understand one thing… If you are white, it means nothing. If you are black, it means nothing too. We are separated by skin color… And forgot, what does it mean to be a simple human. Without discrimination, sexism, racism and bullying.

I want to say thanks for this opportunity. Maybe your experience in this country was more successful, but I saw, everywhere people are the same. Just in Lithuania they mocked me because of my ginger hair and freckles. In Italy it was because of my too white skin and gender. I am only stupid young girl looking for adventures… I am not racist. I am realistic.

But, my dear friend, if you got my mind, it is time to make sure, what is the color of your glasses.

With love,

Yours Rya

Blackjack? Or how did I decide to study in Italy?

My dear friend,

First of all, let me introduce myself. I am Victoria. My surname is Chemerovskaya, but it is unofficial. Not because I do not want to reveal my personal data. I have one nasty story about myself and maybe one day I will be enough brave to admit, who I am, and to write it here. It is true, we all have a dark side inside us which we would like to hide from the outside world. And I am not happy having it, but basta about it.

About 2 years ago, in summer, when I have finished school and have gotten a certificate, the time to choose my future plans came very fast. I had an idea to study medicine. I passed the biology exam and was ready to send my application to the university. I was thinking a lot. I asked myself, will I be happy studying medicine? Because it takes a lot of patience, time and will. I understood, I am not a right person for that. I do not have enough patience, I like liberty and I need to have a free time for creativity, literature, writing and drawing. Mother, sorry, but my dream from childhood was only my dream.

When I was 8 years old, in the school teacher has given to everyone a paper balloon, where we could write our ambitions and dreams. On mine it has been written: “One day I will become a doctor.” Words of child. Many years have passed and I realized. Being a child I did not want to become a doctor. I only wanted to help to other people. To make them happy. To change something. I still want to do it. But I do not want to be a doctor.

I had some days for thinking, what do I want to do now. It was not easy. I do not like socialization, economics and everything, what includes communication with other people. Remembering all my dreams of childhood I decided – Italian language and literature is for me. You will ask, why? To be honest, I do not. I always had one stupid dream to study in Italy, to see this country from inside. I do not have more arguments. Also I love Latin language, literature and theater. So, literature + Italian culture + languages = Italian language and literature. Easy math.

Already on September I moved to Vilnius. I got the dormitory there and found one amazing friend, who was an anchor for me that long months. She is studying Russian language and literature.

I was one of students, who have exchanged parties to the library, because my goal was to participate in the Erasmus program next year. I was not sure, when. Professors said, it is too early for you. Wait a little bit. But I do not have patience and also my friend, who has sent the application to Turkey, said to me, do it. And I did. After many documents, tears and stress I have successfully entered the Genoa University. I had many doubts. I can say honestly; I was so naive. But about it later. I have to finish my red wine.

With love,

Yours Rya