When your mood is to buy a fucking cactus.

I woke up at 5 a.m. Made one cup of black tea, because on these days I have drunk so much coffee that my body creates conflicts only seeing black beans. I tried to read a book ‘ The Art of War’ written by Sun Tzu, but after one page I got it is impossible. My mind is going out from written lines and the only thing I can do is to imitate reading. Why should I do it?

Listening music I tried to do not think about a job, where I should be soon. Cycling one hour and I am there. To work in another city is not easy, especially when you do not have money to pay for the train ticket every day.

It was not a busy day. Every time going to work I pray that it would be a calm day and today someone has heard my request. But maybe it would be better if it was a busy as always, because I had too much time for thinking. Making coffee, mint tea and beer I was thinking about people around me. They all have friends, they look happy, they are waiting for Valentine’s day, they have plans… While every day I am dying… Slowly… Softly. And seeing me people think they can help. They can change me. But no one knows that my best friend is a demon sitting inside me. You are afraid of your depression, bad mood and conflicts. For me it is the reason to go to Lidl to buy a fucking cactus, what I did after my job. But I had one problem – I could not find a simple cactus, because for Valentine’s day people are used to buy only beautiful flowers that will die soon and chocolate, which will be eaten. But not fucking cactus, because talking about love it is stupid to mention a word ‘forever‘.

Drinking red wine and thinking about what is wrong with me I decided to do a volunteering this summer. Africa or India? I love animals and would like to save them from our humanity. Ahah. Are you sure you can do it? You even can not save yourself.

But I do not ask for a help…

Then why are you crying now?..

… Because when someone killed your pride you should do the same…

Why did you not do it?

… Because I still love.

It is Thursday.

2020.02.13

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