At this moment I am a little busy and I am sorry for this. But today I only wanted to share with some moments of my travel.
It is only the beginning. If I remember well it was 7 a.m.
It is me. Already in Milan. On the way to the airport Malpensa.
Yes, I am vegan. So, my lunch looked like that. And there you can see my lovely unicorn pillow again.
My flight was at 9 p.m. Yes yes, it is amazing. I know.
And let’s sleep again.
I came back at home. It was only 1 a.m. So, I had to wait for the morning when the bus will come to take me to my city which is 4 hours from airport.
So, let’s sleep again.
It was small trip from Genoa, Italy, to Klaipėda, Lithuania. It took one day, I was very tired, but so happy being at home. It was random photos, I did not think to use them for a blog, so, they are not well. But, I hope, at least you can take fun or remember your trips. My dear friend, it would be nice to hear your stories about travels.
Today is 30th of April. I am sitting in airport and waiting for my flight. Today I come back to Italy. May someone would be happy… But I feel only apathy. Yes, I have a bipolar disorder. It is normal. Today I feel nothing. I want to sit, to drink black coffee, to smoke and to do nothing. I should change my mind, but I like it. I like to feel nothing. It does not hurt. I like, when materialism does not matter for me. Life is easier. I like, when people’s words are not important for me. I can live with my own mind. Today I am without feelings. I am crying somewhere in my heart, but even this does not have meaning for me. Yes… Today I am broken.
My dear friend, it is not normal.
But it is normal for me.
My dear friend, I am not sure, why I am writing it here.
I want to remember. Or to forget? I do not know. As I have said, today I want nothing.
I do not want to eat, to sleep, to meet with people. Only to sit and to think.
About what am I thinking without feelings? About everything. Because now feelings do not disturb to me.
I am not sure if I have said it, but… I just wrote a book. And I hope to publish it one day… It was really hard work and what I can say, if you do not like to write, do not get a pleasure from this, it will be very hard for you. Anyway, you can try. And I will be waiting for your works.
But now I just wanted to share with some thoughts. After this book I began to write my way to the faith and… Of course it is written in my mother tongue, but I have translated a little. So, sorry for my English… Here is my beginning…
Hi, my dear friend,
The clock shows 1:57 a.m. And if you are here, you can see, I am not asleep yet. But now I want to talk about another thing. My lovely friend, take a coffee, sit down and listen. I will tell you my story. Call it my confession. But be silent. No one has to know it.
It happened inadvertently. Or is it exactly what is called destiny? The occasions affecting the future have been planned? Or may is it society’s manipulation? Alexander Dumas had said: When randomness is related to genius activity – this is called destiny. Did you notice this passive manifestation of genius? I do not too. Because I do not believe in destiny. A destiny is a planned thing you cannot change. Control maniac would not like it at all. But I tend to believe that there are no coincidences, as a destiny. There are statistics, probability theory and combinations. In my case, the story-line evolved into one of the possibilities what that led me to a certain way in a certain place. Or may it had to be so? May Plato’s idealism is too abstract? An abstract rationalism? Nowadays I would call Platonism’s limits so. Or may in the current world an absurd rationalism is sought to be returned? But basta questions.
My random acquaintance with one girl has yet been started at school. We both had a deeper course of history. A half year we were learning without knowing about each other ‘s existence. But one day she came, sat down in front of me and after a few minutes turned to me asking if I have taken a book. Finally, we were analyzing mercantilism, imperialism and coming capitalism. Is it not fun? You are reading about Great Depression and Cold War, but with next you sitting neighbor you start to discuss about Christianity. I have to confess, at that time I had no perception about religion. You know, it would be as if you have had a recipe, that would be like an idea, a cake as followers, but you have never thought who was a creator. Because people have enough narrow-minded. If here is a flower, they do not see the roots. Only beauty and colors. And you know, the baker may differ from the recipe creator. A Creator is a founder, and a baker is just a loyal messenger…
Of course, here is not a lot. It is not easy to translate, but I wanted to share with my idea. I wanted to show how narrow-minded I was. How I came to my current mind. And may one day I would translate more, but now it is enough. I am tired.
My dear friend, stay positive. And think more. Read more, learn more… Because you have so many opportunities.
I do not know about what I could write today… I have many ideas, but I feel melancholy… Today my mood is going down. Have I said I am bipolar?
Bipolar disorder, also, known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks.
I am scared. Because I am alone. Nobody knows about it. Nobody believed that I have bipolar disorder. Nobody saw my medicines. Yeh, funny, right?
Now I have to motivate myself. I am trying to throw away all toxic thoughts, but… This melancholy does not let me do it.
My family has said every one is depressed. Depression does not exist. Bipolar disorder too. Just I have a great fantasy.
My dear friend, I feel so lonely. I have only myself and my faith… Which is not strong. I am not sure what should I do now. I do not know why I am writing it. I only wanted to say, you are amazing. I want to remind you, do not give up and achieve your dreams.
But today I can not do it… Sorry, my dear friend. It is really hard, but I will try to be normal.
Am I weird? Freak? Every one says so. Just because of my feelings.
You know, no one believes to my feelings.
Sorry for my depression.
Sorry for my feelings, for my freakness, for my words, for myself…
But… My dear friend, do not forget to ask people around you about their feelings. Just do not forget about them. Do not let them be alone. And you, do not be alone.
I am absolutely sure you have many talents and skills. You can use them. You can create, write, sing, draw… You can find yourself and change this world. You can change everything. But start from yourself. From your friends and family. Please, do not forget we are only humans.
How are you doing? I am fine. Two days ago I became an owner of one small chinchilla. Can you believe? Because I still can not.
How did it happen? I will tell you. Listen.
Six days ago here was my birthday. But I decided to celebrate on Saturday with my friends. And… Four days ago one my friend has written to me maybe I know someone who would take a chinchilla. Because she did not have an opportunity to take her. Yes… It is a girl. And her name is Smalsutė. But you can call her Smalcy.
When I got her message, I was on the way to Vilnius city, four hours with a bus. I had problems with my studies and I was a little depressed. And I was not thinking too much. That second I wrote I will take her… And I do not regret. She is an amazing creature.
Two days ago they brought her as for my birthday. And my dogs were so scared.
They could not understand what it is. They saw only one small ball which sometimes was moving. But today they have more courage to be near Smalcy.
I am not sure about what I am doing. But now I have my own fantastic four. Yeh, I will be a fourth member.
Or I could be Will from Witch series. She was my favorite character.
My lovely friend, maybe sometimes it is better to do not think too much and just do it? If you can help to someone, take care of someone, why do not do it?
I am happy that I did so. From childhood I had a dream to have a squirrel. I do not know why. And now it happened.
God knows my dreams. I believe. I hope so. And I say Thank You for this amazing creature.
Take a look to my new family’s member and be happy, my dear friend.
How are you? How is your job, family, friends?.. When the last time you have asked how is your mother or father feeling? Or how you could help to your friend? Or why your sister or brother is so upset?
When the last time you have asked yourself, are you happy?
When the last time you have cried?
When the last time you have been angry?
When, my lovely friend, the last time you have said to yourself, you are amazing?
Can you remember? No?
Then I will say it to you. Just listen.
Maybe now you are thinking you can not do it. You are depressed or upset. You have problems and do not have a time for the rest.
But close your eyes for five minutes. Imagine yourself. Imagine your smile. Imagine people around you… Who do you see?
Think about happiness. Do not think about problems. Every problem is solved. It is only materialism. After some months you will not remember it.
Think about your goals. What do you want to do today? Tomorrow? Another week? Another month? Are you working for it? Are you trying to change something? Or you only try to solve your problems? Remember. After one problem comes another one… It is life…
But think. Are you still thinking? About what? About people around you? Are you afraid to disappoint them? Do not be… They will support you.
Think. Do you want to change something? Just do it. Now. Today. You do not know, how? Call to your best friend, sister, brother, father or someone else and talk. Talk about your dreams…
Good people will be near. Toxic people throw away from your life.
My dear friend, have you spent that five minutes in silence? Think, how much time you spend for yourself every day? Only you and your mind? How much?
I will share with you with my own story.
It is not long.
I know, some people are afraid to talk about their life experience. I know, how hard it can be. But, it happened.
Maybe you have a good family… Me too… Now…
I will not explain everything from my life. I just will say, that from childhood my step father every day has said to me, everything what I can achieve is to become a stripper. No one has heard it. No one has believed to me. He was talking so only when I was alone. And many years I was growing with this thought… I need to admit, it was painful. I was growing in hatred… But I have too much love… Love for people, nature and all this world… I know, I should hate people, but I can not…
My dear friend, people are amazing. Just not every one can solve his problems… Just not every one is strong… Just not every one can admit his weakness… But you can… Because when you admit it, you become stronger. And you will be… You will achieve everything, what you want.
I have one story for you. Today was a unique day. Today I have been in the church, today I met person I have not seen for a long time.
First of all, how did I decide to come there? Because only two days ago I have written I do not like churches. But I will say one thing – I came not to the church, I came to people. You will ask what is a different? I will answer – I was not there as a person from church society, I was as a friend, who could talk and share with his/ her thoughts with good friends after the pastor’s words.
I came 30 minutes before. I took my tea, my note book and sat down near the window in the hall. I had some ideas for writing. Have I said to you I am writing a book? Cha, would you buy it? Do not worry, I am joking…
Yes, and them to me came one person, which I could not call as a friend, but also as an unknown. He was one leader from Christian youth group. We have never talked as today. And he allowed me to understand one simple thing – I have to work for my goals. Yes, sometimes we are thinking it should be easier, why is it so difficult? But do not cry, do not complain. Work. And basta.
That guy gave me many examples and motivation and I was thankful for that dialogue, because now my goals have a hard time…
But it is not all. I want to share with some pastor’s thoughts:
Happy people are not realistic. God too. And also Jesus.
We do not have to find bad things. Look at the good for being happy. Throw away toxic thoughts. Analyze, separate and do not let them to come back.
Have for yourself at least 5 minutes in silence. Without music, people and toxic thoughts. And if they come to your mind, do not be angry. It is normal. We are just humans.
Realize why you have that toxic thoughts. Maybe because of your ” friend” who says to you, you can not do it, do not try, you are not enough smart… Or because of your own self-doubt. If it is so, maybe you did one mistake – you made it on the things you do the best. Imagine, you are very good in a graphic design and all your self-confidence was created on it. And one day you decide to change something. You start a new job or find a new hobby, and in the beginning you are not so good anymore as you were in a graphic design. You do mistakes and your self-confidence is going down.
The pastor has said, if you want to create a self-confidence, create by God. God will support you…
I know, sound weird. Even from myself… 2 years I am trying to do it… And I am still on the way… Just maybe I need to take more time then other?..
But after I have had an amazing dialogue with my old friend… We met in the church and went to one coffee… We were sitting there 6 hours and just talking about music. Can you imagine, I know him a few years, but we have never talked about music and today I understood we are so similar. I want to share with some words from our dialogue:
A Christianity does not limit you. You can listen music what you want. For God it does not important. It is important only for our church society what is not important for you. ( We both are a hard metal and rock lovers, so, sometimes this music opposes to Christianity.)
If you do not like drama, let’s come back to the classic. Did you watch The Watchmen?
If you want to read people, look how they behave with their friends.
I took this book again. I hate marketing. It manipulate me.
So, for today that is all, my dear friend. I hope, I gave you some good ideas or thoughts. Have a good night.