Today is 30th of April. I am sitting in airport and waiting for my flight. Today I come back to Italy. May someone would be happy… But I feel only apathy. Yes, I have a bipolar disorder. It is normal. Today I feel nothing. I want to sit, to drink black coffee, to smoke and to do nothing. I should change my mind, but I like it. I like to feel nothing. It does not hurt. I like, when materialism does not matter for me. Life is easier. I like, when people’s words are not important for me. I can live with my own mind. Today I am without feelings. I am crying somewhere in my heart, but even this does not have meaning for me. Yes… Today I am broken.
My dear friend, it is not normal.
But it is normal for me.
My dear friend, I am not sure, why I am writing it here.
I want to remember. Or to forget? I do not know. As I have said, today I want nothing.
I do not want to eat, to sleep, to meet with people. Only to sit and to think.
About what am I thinking without feelings? About everything. Because now feelings do not disturb to me.
I do not know about what I could write today… I have many ideas, but I feel melancholy… Today my mood is going down. Have I said I am bipolar?
Bipolar disorder, also, known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks.
I am scared. Because I am alone. Nobody knows about it. Nobody believed that I have bipolar disorder. Nobody saw my medicines. Yeh, funny, right?
Now I have to motivate myself. I am trying to throw away all toxic thoughts, but… This melancholy does not let me do it.
My family has said every one is depressed. Depression does not exist. Bipolar disorder too. Just I have a great fantasy.
My dear friend, I feel so lonely. I have only myself and my faith… Which is not strong. I am not sure what should I do now. I do not know why I am writing it. I only wanted to say, you are amazing. I want to remind you, do not give up and achieve your dreams.
But today I can not do it… Sorry, my dear friend. It is really hard, but I will try to be normal.
Am I weird? Freak? Every one says so. Just because of my feelings.
You know, no one believes to my feelings.
Sorry for my depression.
Sorry for my feelings, for my freakness, for my words, for myself…
But… My dear friend, do not forget to ask people around you about their feelings. Just do not forget about them. Do not let them be alone. And you, do not be alone.
I am absolutely sure you have many talents and skills. You can use them. You can create, write, sing, draw… You can find yourself and change this world. You can change everything. But start from yourself. From your friends and family. Please, do not forget we are only humans.
I have one story for you. Today was a unique day. Today I have been in the church, today I met person I have not seen for a long time.
First of all, how did I decide to come there? Because only two days ago I have written I do not like churches. But I will say one thing – I came not to the church, I came to people. You will ask what is a different? I will answer – I was not there as a person from church society, I was as a friend, who could talk and share with his/ her thoughts with good friends after the pastor’s words.
I came 30 minutes before. I took my tea, my note book and sat down near the window in the hall. I had some ideas for writing. Have I said to you I am writing a book? Cha, would you buy it? Do not worry, I am joking…
Yes, and them to me came one person, which I could not call as a friend, but also as an unknown. He was one leader from Christian youth group. We have never talked as today. And he allowed me to understand one simple thing – I have to work for my goals. Yes, sometimes we are thinking it should be easier, why is it so difficult? But do not cry, do not complain. Work. And basta.
That guy gave me many examples and motivation and I was thankful for that dialogue, because now my goals have a hard time…
But it is not all. I want to share with some pastor’s thoughts:
Happy people are not realistic. God too. And also Jesus.
We do not have to find bad things. Look at the good for being happy. Throw away toxic thoughts. Analyze, separate and do not let them to come back.
Have for yourself at least 5 minutes in silence. Without music, people and toxic thoughts. And if they come to your mind, do not be angry. It is normal. We are just humans.
Realize why you have that toxic thoughts. Maybe because of your ” friend” who says to you, you can not do it, do not try, you are not enough smart… Or because of your own self-doubt. If it is so, maybe you did one mistake – you made it on the things you do the best. Imagine, you are very good in a graphic design and all your self-confidence was created on it. And one day you decide to change something. You start a new job or find a new hobby, and in the beginning you are not so good anymore as you were in a graphic design. You do mistakes and your self-confidence is going down.
The pastor has said, if you want to create a self-confidence, create by God. God will support you…
I know, sound weird. Even from myself… 2 years I am trying to do it… And I am still on the way… Just maybe I need to take more time then other?..
But after I have had an amazing dialogue with my old friend… We met in the church and went to one coffee… We were sitting there 6 hours and just talking about music. Can you imagine, I know him a few years, but we have never talked about music and today I understood we are so similar. I want to share with some words from our dialogue:
A Christianity does not limit you. You can listen music what you want. For God it does not important. It is important only for our church society what is not important for you. ( We both are a hard metal and rock lovers, so, sometimes this music opposes to Christianity.)
If you do not like drama, let’s come back to the classic. Did you watch The Watchmen?
If you want to read people, look how they behave with their friends.
I took this book again. I hate marketing. It manipulate me.
So, for today that is all, my dear friend. I hope, I gave you some good ideas or thoughts. Have a good night.