I woke up at 5 a.m. Made one cup of black tea, because on these days I have drunk so much coffee that my body creates conflicts only seeing black beans. I tried to read a book ‘ The Art of War’ written by Sun Tzu, but after one page I got it is impossible. My mind is going out from written lines and the only thing I can do is to imitate reading. Why should I do it?
Listening music I tried to do not think about a job, where I should be soon. Cycling one hour and I am there. To work in another city is not easy, especially when you do not have money to pay for the train ticket every day.
It was not a busy day. Every time going to work I pray that it would be a calm day and today someone has heard my request. But maybe it would be better if it was a busy as always, because I had too much time for thinking. Making coffee, mint tea and beer I was thinking about people around me. They all have friends, they look happy, they are waiting for Valentine’s day, they have plans… While every day I am dying… Slowly… Softly. And seeing me people think they can help. They can change me. But no one knows that my best friend is a demon sitting inside me. You are afraid of your depression, bad mood and conflicts. For me it is the reason to go to Lidl to buy a fucking cactus, what I did after my job. But I had one problem – I could not find a simple cactus, because for Valentine’s day people are used to buy only beautiful flowers that will die soon and chocolate, which will be eaten. But not fucking cactus, because talking about love it is stupid to mention a word ‘forever‘.
Drinking red wine and thinking about what is wrong with me I decided to do a volunteering this summer. Africa or India? I love animals and would like to save them from our humanity. Ahah. Are you sure you can do it? You even can not save yourself.
But I do not ask for a help…
Then why are you crying now?..
… Because when someone killed your pride you should do the same…
Why did you not do it?
… Because I still love.
It is Thursday.
' If God dies, it was not God.‘
I have seen this line on instagram and, to be honestly, I am a little scared… Does it not depend on who you consider to be God? Fuck… Considered… What is wrong with endings?
… Please, say, that it depends…
It happens again. You are thinking about what is important to you and call your reasoning bullshit. You write about your killing avarice and delete this line. You say this time you are going to live and buy a new pack of cigarettes.
How long have you started turning to yourself in the second person?
It is Friday.
I allow myself to knowingly be wrong, but it is fine, since I can be calm in the mistake. Perfectionist is killed by mistakes.
When people ask me, what have I done, I say ‘ nothing’. And I believe to my own words. But to be honestly, I have read a book ‘ The Daily Stoic.’ I have seen intriguing and colorful stories outside my consciousness. I have created simple and sensual ideas.
Listening other people I have learned to say, what do they want to hear and to be silent about what does not interest them. ‘ Nothing’ is everything, what they really want to know.
It is Wednesday.
‘This game is not for scores; it is for the time.’ Words from anime One Outs, I have watched today.
People finish a school for going to the university. They get a degree for finding a job. They work for money, build house for a family. And in the end they forget to live. They waste a time for thinking about material things and lose their bohemia of the soul.
And I am still trying to find myself by writing. Or thinking? What do you want to hear from me? What should I say to you? I am not alone, because loneliness is so deep in my heart that I do not want to feel happiness. Sadness helps me to create a truth. Positive art? Not here. Imagine a warrior living in dystopia, but trying to follow a hedonistic lifestyle. Schizophrenia. He gets crazy and finally kills himself. No one can understand what happened. He was a good husband, a loving father, a faithful friend… He only was born in a wrong place. While Death and Life are playing chess, Destiny is playing with people.
It is Thursday.